Episode 1 quotes
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The Situation continues to court Sam the "Sweetheart," who is completely tickled by all the attention until her fall from grace and reemergence as Darth Sammi. Was the Situation guilty of brazen cockiness in the matter of Sammi? Obviously. But her coldness is still hard to believe -- making out with Situation at the club and then minutes later making out with Ronnie. When the Situation sees this and grows angry she is utterly unapologetic, deriding the guy for even thinking she was ever interested at all. Angelina, who until her premature departure was the show's moral compass, decides she wants to push him off his high horse too, and makes his night even worse by chasing a few consolation girls off the roof.
Speaking of Angelina, the Forgotten Bitch, she certainly gives Sammi a run for her money, though to her credit Angelina makes no claims of "sweetness." She has a fun night at the club which she cannot recall the next morning, and worries she's cheated on her boyfriend. She calls him in a panic and is angered when he says he's in a meeting and must call her back. She dials him repeatedly, spitefully, offended he won't take her call and assuage her guilt and anxiety immediately.
Snooki struggles to repair her reputation in the house after her wild first night, and gets a pep talk of sorts from Sammi. Vinny gets pink eye the morning of his first day of work at the t-shirt shop. Ronnie has a theory how it happened. Jwoww gets a taste of Pauly D despite her boyfriend back home. And Pauly D throws the first punch of the show (which I'd totally forgotten). Lots of action.
7. "Me and my friend Robbie wanted to watch the sun set... no, the sun RISE." – Snooki
6. "I don't give a fuck if you're fat, you're ugly, you're forty-five years old, I'll dance with you." – Vinny
5. "I'm a cock block. Mm-hmm." – Angelina
4. "Time to get some Ron-Ron juice in my system." – Ronnie
3. "I just saw your penis." – Jwoww (to Pauly D)
2. "They don't call me Sammi Sweetheart for nothing." – Sammi
1. "In a weird Snookers world, like, me and Snookers would make like the best little guidos and guidettes… little poofs and blowouts on our little kids." – Pauly D
"The party's in Pauly D’s pants tonight." – Pauly D
"I left the club early because I didn't want to cheat on my boyfriend... and, I felt like eating ham and drinking water." – JWoww
"Look at me. I'm all fucking natural baby, and I'm hot." – Angelina
"I hit him right in the nose. That's the best spot to hit someone. Only takes nine pounds of pressure to break a nose." – Pauly D
"Holy shit. That's like a whole drama situation right there." – Pauly D (referring to Sammi's switch from Situation to Ronnie)
"Don't let the spiked hair fool you. Like, I'm not a bitch." – Pauly D
"You figure diving through the fat chick's legs maybe she let something out when he was sliding through and particles got in his eyes or something." – Ronnie (referring to Vinny's pink-eye)
"She didn't sell anything, so Danny put her on, like, hangers duty." – Pauly D (referring to Angelina's poor salesmanship)
"I am the fucking princess of fucking Poughkeepsie." – Snooki
"I just feel like I'm not, like, mature enough to be on my own right now." - Snooki
"I just want to have a good time. I'm an amazing-ass, gorgeous, tan guidette." – Snooki
"My ideal man would be Italian, dark, muscles, juicehead, guido... if I found that guy I would snatch him like that." – Snooki
"There's not really much between her ass and the guy-she's-grinding-on's..." – Vinny (referring to Angelina)
"She wants to have fun AND she wants to have a boyfriend. Like I want to have my cake and eat it too. And like I'll play that game. I'll be that guy. I don't care." – Pauly D (about JWoww)
"It was like a Johnnie, or like a Donnie." - Sammi (trying to help Angelina remember who she left the club with)
"I think I might have my hands in your Kool-aid tonight brother." - Ronnie (to Situation, joking that he might move in on Sammi)
"She has a boyfriend at home, but I predict her not having that boyfriend anymore." - Pauly D (about JWoww)
Lifetime Achievement Award
"So I guess you're a negative three, eh?" – The Situation (to Angelina, when she tells him that every girl he brings home is a "zero")
"As far as I know everyone loves the Situation. And if you don't love the Situation. I'm going to make you love the Situation." – The Situation
"Even though I am a little bit of a player... at the same time she does see that I'm a sweetheart and maybe that, you know, we could vibe enough for, you know, I can cut that out." – The Situation
"If you want to look like someone like the Situation - which is definitely going to be pretty hard – ah, you need to get that protein in your diet." – The Situation
"I could sell t-shirts standing still. As a matter of fact, I just sold one, right now." – The Situation (during interview)
"Everybody loves me. Babies, dogs, you know, hot girls... cougars." – The Situation
"I just have unbelievable mass appeal." – The Situation
"Me and Sam were vibin'. It's not a matter of 'if,' it’s a matter of when I decide." – The Situation
"Ronnie, he's not an ugly dude by any means. I’m not a hater at all. It's just sometimes you got it, you got the lingo, you can talk to girls, and sometimes you ain't got it." – The Situation
"It should be very interesting tonight, considering Sam is in love with me and Ronnie is also in love with me probably too because, you know, he wishes he had what I had." – The Situation
"What is going on right now???" – The Situation (when he witnesses Sammi making out with Ronnie)
"Snap. Yeah. That’s what happens." – The Situation (referring to Pauly D’s right cross)
"You're attracted to other people whether you have a boyfriend or not. Okay? You add a little bit of liquor in that and, wow, what's up, you just cheated on your boyfriend." – The Situation (referring to Angelina)
Royal Bitch Tiara
This new award goes to Sammi, for obvious reasons, but also Angelina, for her seemingly arbitrary decision to further ruin the Situation's night by verbally bashing him and the girls he's hitting on upstairs.
"There's nothing wrong with what I'm doing. Like if a girl's a slut, she should be abused." – Angelina
"Mike I love you because you're my friend for a long time [read: less than a week] but I'm like really not having respect for you anymore." - Angelina
"Like, Mike, you turned into like a total bitch. Like you were jealous, throwing me middle fingers like we were something. We were nothing." - Sammi
Ronnie: "You crushed him tonight. Do you realize that?"
Sammi: "I was never his thing."
[both laugh maliciously]
Ronnie: "You hooked up with him?"
Ronnie: "Heh heh heh, it’s what he keeps saying."
In retrospect these dialogues are both hilarious and heart-wrenching. Ronnie is unabashedly sleazy before Sammi gets her hooks in, and the Situation, claiming he's unconcerned, still cunningly puts out feelers to see whether he's got competition.
Ronnie: "I kinda can't wait to get out. I'm going to get so much ***."
Situation: "You had your chance last night."
Ronnie: "If I was just going to get sloppy I should have just pounded out what's her name on Friday."
Situation: "Which one?"
Ronnie: "I mean on the first night. Schnickers."
Situation: "I just think you like Sam. Not necessarily like her. Maybe want to hook up with her..."
Ronnie: "I'd pound out Sam."
Again the Situation is digging, even tries a little preemptive sabotage, and is... less than successful.
Situation: "What do you think of Ronnie?"
Sammi: "I like him."
Situation: "He's like, raw."
Sammi: "You think he’s raw?"
Situation: "Like he says some..."
Situation: "...some like, crazy shit."
Sammi: "He’s badass, a little bit. Like he doesn’t care what he’s gonna say."
Situation: "He just says like some like… I want to pound out every girl in Seaside... -type stuff, that's how he is... he just talks shit."
Sammi: "I think he's funny."
Situation: "I will admit that he says it in like a funny way."
Dalai Lama Humility Award (note: Award is bestowed for shunning purposes only)
"I'm not a strong person, like, I look." – Snooki
Famous Last Words Award
"I was like, do I have a little competition I was thinking, with Ronnie, but then I was like... nah, I don't, ah heh." - The Situation
Lord Byron Award for Romantic Verse
"I'm not kissing you because you have throw-up breath." - Snooki (bidding good night to boy from club)
"I want to bring home guys and it's hard. It shouldn't be hard but it is hard because it's the Jersey Shore. You know?" – Snooki
Jersey Pride Award
Staggering Ambition Award
"I feel like this job is beneath me. I'm a bartender. I do, like, you know, great things." – Angelina
Amnesty International Compassion Award
Loses something without the sentimental piano chiming in at "whole other person" but still touching.
*All photos courtesy of mtv.com.
The Savior Complex
1 month ago