Sunday, February 21, 2010

Best Quotes from MTV's Jersey Shore - Season Finale

Episode 1 quotes
Episode 2 quotes
Episode 3 quotes
Episode 4 quotes
Episode 5 quotes
Episode 6 quotes
Episode 7 quotes
Episode 8 quotes
Episode 9 quotes

"May the Shore rise to meet you, may the Grenade always be at your back, may the tanning bed shine warm upon your face..."

And so we bid farewell to Jersey Shore, though apparently not for long.  The credits for the final episode barely began to roll before a tidal wave of supplemental Jersey Shore content -- from reunions, to spoofs, to cast-member commentary on spoofs, to guest appearances -- swept over MTV, late night TV, and the Web.  As early as two weeks before the finale, it was leaked that negotiations for a second season were already underway. One week after the show wrapped up, MTV announced that Season 2 was a go for launch.

But back to the Season at hand.  The finale was perhaps the tamest of all the episodes, and certainly the most sentimental. To me it went down like a flat beer -- but not so flat that I'd prefer to have no beer at all.

Arrested after having knocked out a loud-mouthed thug (where last week's episode ended) Ronnie spends the night in jail.  Sammi picks him up the next morning, brings him to bed, and sweetly whips him into ever deeper submission by pointing out there were two victims of his assault, not one (see below for quote about sleeping alone).

The gang hits the beach for the second time in their 30-day stay at the Shore. JWoww and Snooki hunt for juice-heads, while the Situation hits on a nymph of questionable legality.

The remainder of the show observes the group as they convene a circle of reflection that migrates from a barbecue on the deck to an unidentified lounge to the rooftop patio, infusing as much significance as possible into their month-long odyssey.  Snook and Sitch take their last late night dip in the jacuzzi.  Her top comes off.  They make out.

The final morning bags are packed, there are hugs all around and more warm fuzziness.  The housemates leave one by one until only Snooki is left to close up shop.

Best Quotes

5. "I don't know if I can last five hours with you in the car." - Vinny (to Situation when he suggests they car pool to visit Pauly D in Rhode Island)

4. "Then I end up spending the night in county for, ah - not even a night, a few hours in county - for, for, overreacting, I guess, like a degenerate that I'm not." - Ronnie

3.  "Fuck my life." - Snooki (at the end of her solo dance party on the boardwalk)

2. "I had like the best summer of my life. Girls on the rides, girls on the beach, girls in the house, the hot tub... girls after girls after girls. That's an ideal summer for anybody." - Pauly D

1.  "Yo, it's gorilla central out there. Get the fuck up." - JWoww (to Snooki, who's lying in bed)

Honorable Mentions

"Give me a call back tomorrow when you get this -- or I'll give you a call like a stalker." - Snooki (to Irish Cowboy's voicemail)

"I see a bunch of gorilla juiceheads. Tall, completely jacked, steroids, like multiple growth hormones. That's like, the type that I'm attracted to." - JWoww

"I don't see any fucking guido juicehead. You woke me up for nothing." - Snooki

"Where's the juiceheads?" - Snooki (repeatedly while walking down the beach)

"Even though we fight, and we hate each other at times, you know, when it comes down to it we really love each other." - Snooki

"Those were the best fights in the house... until AC." - Pauly D (meaning that the frequent spats between Angelina and The Situation were upstaged by JWoww delivering a spinning, backhand slap to The Situation in an AC hotel room)

"This was a life changing experience whether you like it or not." - Pauly D

"Bye make-out friend." - JWoww (to Pauly D as she's leaving)

"Goodbye everyone!" - Snooki (to empty house)

"I really think I made that house, honestly." - Snooki

"I'm just like, all right, this is it. Like, you know, like I had a summer with seven strangers and they all became my friends, you know. So that's pretty cool." - Ronnie

"The Jersey Shore changed me. Whaddaya know." - Snooki

Lifetime Achievement Award

No surprises here. To our reigning champion.

"The dude was face down though. I'm sure you had a better sleep than he did." - The Situation (to Ronnie when he says he's tired, referring to kid Ronnie cold-clocked night before)

"Hey what's up Cassandra. It's ah, Mike. Um, I was wondering if you could actually bring out your, you know, one of your, your actually ah, third friend... a ah, total of three.. it would be me, you, your two girlfriends, aaaaand my two roommates." - The Situation (leaving a voicemail)

"If you live on the beach you should be going on the beach a lot. I kinda realized that the last couple days, I'm like, fuck, it's nice as hell out." - The Situation

"Eventually I make my way over to some cute girls and do what I do best. And that's pimpin'." - The Situation (at the beach) 

"It's bros night tonight at Captain Hook's. It's got like ah, some air hockey games, some basketball games. It's sort of like a Chuck E. Cheese... for dudes." - The Situation

"I laugh it off because nothing really bothers me. I mean, what that means to me, is that I'm on your mind twenty-four/seven." - The Situation (referring to bulldog Vinny hung up in the living room with a t-shirt that reads "The Situation's # 1 Girl")

"I mean she was totally butt naked here and there and I-I-I didn't wanna... you know what I'm saying?" - The Situation (referring to himself and Snooki in the hottub)

"This whole summer has been pretty wild, pretty crazy. Lots of fights. Lots of hookups. Lots of drama." - The Situation 

"Maybe we should get a shore house next summer." - The Situation

"You know, I ran the house from start to finish, whether people liked it or not." - The Situation

"It is un-describable the time that I had here. I had a ball, okay. You know I ran this house. We call it Sitch's house." - The Situation

"I was king of the castle right there. That's how it gets done. That's how it gets done." - The Situation

Pythagoras Award in Profundity

The last episode was bound to inspire deep reflection and profound musings galore, so there was a lot of competition for the Pythagoras honor this week.  But in the end it went to the person who more or less nominated himself, and justifiably so.

"This bond that we share brings us together, and no one can ever take that away from us ever, we take that with us for life, that bond." [long, self-reflective pause] "That was deep. That was fucking deep." - Pauly D

Amnesty International Award for Compassion

"I regret that I got caught. I don't regret that I hit the kid." - Ronnie

Meryl Streep Award for Best Performance in a Dramatic Series

Goes to Sammi, twice over, determined as she was not to let her own agony go unrecognized just because Ronnie has to spend the night in jail and some other guy has a grade three concussion.

"Like, why? I don't get it. Like, why?" - Sammi (lamenting Ronnie's arrest)

"Don't do that to me again... It was the first night I slept alone." - Sammi (to Ronnie once they're alone in bed)

Best Exchange

Third Place

Situation: "If you're hungry try a Snickers?"

Snooki: "Yeah, try me."

Second Place

Vinny: "If Pauly ain't gettin' a date, I don't feel bad, because he's like ridiculously, ridiculously good looking."

Pauly D: "You got such good taste in men."

First Place

Snooki: "Should I call 9-1-1?"

Sammi: "Don't call 9-1-1. I think that's emergency."

Lord Byron Award for Romantic Verse

"I was thinking about maybe getting down with Snooks real quick. But then I was like, you know what, it's like almost like my little sister and um... you don't do that." - The Situation

Jersey Pride Award

"Down here at the Shore, one minute you got three girls in the jacuzzi, the next minute somebody's in jail and you have to bail them out. That's what happens down at the Shore." - The Situation

Famous Last Words Award

"The Snooks is out." - Snooki (as she pulls away in her car, last to leave the Jersey Shore house)

*All photos courtesy of

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