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Danielle the Israeli, who Pauly took a brief interest in last episode (until she dropped the no-sex-till-marriage bomb) transforms into Danielle the Stalker this week, appearing like the Cheshire Cat all over the boardwalk as he tries to hit on other women -- even going as far as to interrupt his creeping by giving him the gift of a custom-made "I heart Jewish girls" tee shirt -- the heart, of course, being a Star of David superimposed over an Italian flag. Later that night, a sympathetic Vinny makes an embarrassingly pathetic attempt to help Pauly deal with this adoring fan.
The episode wraps up with the second (and far briefer) of Ronnie's two big fights on the show. This time he cold-clocks one of several drunk, camera-hungry rowdies who begin taunting the cast as they leave a club. It seems their invasive presence at the Jersey Shore has been stoking flames of ire among the natives. Which is understandable. These chumps don't represent Seaside. They're not really from Seaside, are they Seasiders?
NEWSFLASH: Neither are you. Only about twenty people are. For all but three months of the year Seaside Heights is a ghost town -- I witnessed this first-hand in high school, when I made a trip down there in March to secure a house for Senior Week after the prom (yeah, that's right). Except for a few establishments, open but dead as churches inside, the town was completely deserted. Pretty fucking creepy, like Kevin Smith meets Stephen King.
My point is no one has any territorial claim on this place. And to imply, by demanding that these infidels "Go back to..." wherever, that you somehow represent this carnival of visiting mutants and misfits in a way that the cast of Jersey Shore does not is... well, how exactly??? Do you chug beers differently? Hook up with chicks differently? Start fights differently? Speak a distinct meathead dialect? Please, describe the essence of Seaside, the essence of you, that these wannabes from Long Island and Rhode Island and the Bronx could never possibly aspire to. Tell me, and tell them, why only guidos from East Orange and Newark, and better yet Paramus and Livingston and various other mall-centered suburbs are worthy to partake of fruits like Karma and Beachcomber and Frog Bog and Balloon Darts and ski ball and Pac-Man and cheesesteaks and and Tilt-a-Whirl and mini-golf? Please, show me what makes you a for-real Seaside kid.
How about a little gratitude to MTV for expressing interest in our twisted little corner of the country, eh? You should be kissing Snooki's bronzed ass for putting Seaside on the map. Then like me, you could embrace a show like this, brag to others that yes, you did ride that chair lift. You did swim in that grayish water before it was cool. You did watch the boardwalk roaming freakshow evolve from glam to ghetto to guido and it's so awesome that this place is finally being realized for the fun little petri dish that it is.
Sorry, but brainless belligerence draws out the deepest malice in me, and territorial belligerence and violence is the worst kind, because it's the most arbitrary. At least if this were a gang war in the ghetto I could see how guarding territory (tragically) could be considered a gesture of commanding respect, demonstrating power and solidarty etc.
But you're just a New Jersey moron, swimming among many morons. In a cheap resort community. You hate that your life has no purpose, and pretending you're tough in front of MTV is literally the best you can do. Grow up Homes. You're not interesting enough to be on TV. Not even MTV. You are no Situation.
My point is -- and I realize this brings me down closer to his level -- seeing that dipshit laid out like a sack of tomatoes was immensely gratifying. Thanks Ronnie.
4. "That's one shot. That's one shot kid. That's one shot." - Ronnie (galloping away from a one-punch knockout)
3. "She's stalking his whole life." - Vinny (referring to Danielle the Stalker)
2. "You were stalking my whole life." - Pauly D (talking to Danielle the Stalker)
1. "My boobs are so tight I can't breathe. Is that normal?" - Snooki
"We have a week left in the house... I think a lot of people are going to start exploding on a lot of people right now." - Ronnie
"If you fucking leave, I'm going to stuff your nose with tampons." - Snooki (to JWoww, when she threatens to leave the show)
"I don't remember his face, cause I was, like, wasted." - Snooki (referring to her new love interest Keith, the Irish Cowboy)
"I heart Jewish girls... oh my God." - Pauly D (staring blankly at tee shirt that Danielle the Stalker has just given him)
"I couldn't believe it, I thought I was seeing things." - Pauly D (when Danielle the Stalker shows up randomly for the third time)
"Pauly D has a little situation on his hands. She's definitely a Stage 5 clinger." - Vinny (making deft reference to Wedding Crashers)
"Let me get some popcorn." - Vinny (when Pauly finally takes stalker's phone call)
"Danielle is not looking for a hookup, she's looking for a husband." - Pauly D
"I told him to put me down, because I'm not trashy... unless I drink too much." - Snooki
"Your fucking room smells like asshole, bro." - Ronnie (spraying air freshener around Vinny's room to neutralize mysterious Hatorade smell)
"I closed that deal a long time ago, bro. I already got the title for that closing." - Ronnie (referring to The Situation, who is still vying for Sammi)
"Snooki's outfit is crazy. She looks like a birthday cake. She's all decorated, dressed up with the pink, boobs all out up in her face. I guess she wants to go out with a big bang. Literally." - Vinny
Lifetime Achievement Award
The Situation redeemed himself this week, and regains the title.
"You know, she likes pickles in her mouth. But pickles in her nose is just as good." - The Situation
"Jenni's got a good left punch so, you know, gotta watch out for that." - The Situation
"Neither does he know me neither!" - The Situation (defending his character against Vinny and Ronnie)
"I've been the same motherfucker for twenty-seven days. Have I got girls every day? Yeah! Have they not been pretty? Some days no, some days yes!" - The Situation (still defending his character... I think)
Iron Chef Hat for Creative Confections
A new award established to honor Hateorade and its inventor.
"Vinny's been hating on me. So what I decided to do, heh heh, was to get about three inches of grated cheese, add a little milk, a little Supreme dressing, a tiny bit of mayo, and a little Snickers pickle juice, all wrapped in one. A little Hateorade." - The Situation
The Prehistoric Kindergarten Award
"It's obvious that Sam has a crush on me. It goes back to the days of prehistoric kindergarten." - The Situation
Pythagoras Award in Profundity
"Hater juice is best served cold." - The Situation
Goes to Snooki, her latest male target, and the girl who swoops in with a surprise cockblock while Snooki and her new man make out on the nightclub couch.
Dude: "I don't."
Girl: "You don't?"
Dude: "I don't."
Snooki: "He has a girlfriend?"
Girl [pointing to the girl staring at them from across the room]: "She's here. She's watching the whole thing."
[Dude looks at Snooki, shrugs indifferently.]
The WTF Award
Maybe I'm not giving due credit to his sense of adventure, but... WTF???
"You never know what's in store for Pauly D. I love a challenge." - Pauly D (when, after all the creepiness and harsh words exchanged, over the phone and then later in person, he ultimately decides to go home with Danielle the Stalker)
Jerky Boy Badge of Shame for Worst Phone Prank in History
This new and hopefully one-time only award goes to Vinny, of all people, with some assistance from Pauly D and Danielle the Stalker. The boys are home waiting for a call back from some girls they like while simultaneously avoiding the Pauly-obsessed Danielle. The duck begins to quack:
Vinny: "I'm not answering."
Pauly: "Yeah, don't even answer it."
Vinny: "What if it's them?"
Pauly: "Answer it. Say you're Mike."
Vinny: "I'm Mike?"
Pauly D: "I'm not here."
Danielle [misidentifying Vinny's voice and presumably making his job easier]: "Hi, can I speak to Pauly please, Mike?" [my emphasis]
Vinny [evincing a stunning mental lapse]: "Uhh, YO, Mike's not h--"
[Realizing blunder, Vinny holds his breath]
Danielle: "Mike? This is Mike? Hello?"
Vinny: "Hello. Yeah, hello."
Danielle: "Yeah, who's this? Vinny?
Vinny [altering voice, and sounding like a drag queen with Down's Syndrome]: "No it's Mike."
Danielle: "Mike, can I speak to Pauly please?"
Vinny [persisting with his God awful, cringe-inducing impression of the Situation]: "Uh, he's not here right now. He went to um, uhh, yeah he went to the boardwalk, he went to the boardwalk, umm..."
Famous Last Words Award
*All photos courtesy of mtv.com.
The Savior Complex
1 month ago