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Look out! Two more fights this week -- or four, if you count two more love-spats between Ronnie and Sammi. And one cast member makes a stellar comeback (no, not Angelina).
Vinny avoids being fired over an ill-advised hookup, and Danny his boss demonstrates an admirable sense of humor. Vinny continues to hold the on to the spotlight a while, first by hitting on The Situation's sister, and then later by inviting an army of relatives over to the house for a home-cooked lunch.
Some feisty old guests make an explosive encore appearance at the house. The Situation makes it known to Snooki he's only interested in one out of the three, and she graciously agrees to kick the other two out. A scuffle ensues and Snooki gets hit in the face (again) for her trouble, proving that no kind favor goes unpunished.
But the big brawl this week belongs to Ronnie, and I confess it went down differently than I'd have expected. Possibly inspired by the surrounding cameras, a drunken idiot begins taunting Pauly D, Ronnie, and the other Seaside "outsiders" at the Beachcomber Bar, but is largely ignored. Later, Ronnie and Sammi leave the bar only to find that the drunken idiot and his girlfriend are now following them and continuing to egg them on.
Anyone bearing witness can see that unless this drunk dude is secretly a judo master, he's about to get his ass kicked on national television by someone thoroughly more musclebound and sober than he is. But to my surprise, Ronnie takes the high road, repeatedly batting the taunts away as he continues to escort his girlfriend home.
Enter Sammi, who for me (and I imagine for many men) calls to mind the most nightmarish of ex-girlfriends: intoxicatingly hot, but equal parts melodrama, manipulation, and neurosis. Despite Ronnie's efforts she decides to retaliate and taunt the drunk's girlfriend. It's not like she's going to be the one trading blows over it, after all. Ronnie tells her to stop. She persists. And with barely enough force to move a cat off a bed, he lightly shoves her.
As automatic as the clamping of a Venus flytrap, Sammi enters angry-wounded mode, and storms off, leaving Ronnie to deal with the drunk dude and his girlfriend by himself. The rest unfolds as one might guess. Ronnie gives in, invites the dude to fight. Dude approaches, but not without letting his own girlfriend act as his human shield. Ronnie manages evade the girlfriend's interference without hurting her, and proceeds to kick the dude's ass.
Oh yeah, and once the fight's over and Ronnie simmers down, he apologizes profusely to his girlfriend.
You know, when I first started watching this show I swore to myself that if I ever started taking anything about it seriously -- I'm talking on an emotional level -- then it was time to stop watching. But the irony is just so ponderous, that on a show epitomizing human shallowness there is only one person I don't find endearing, one person who does not tickle me but instead makes me downright nauseous if only because, and especially because, I feel like I know her.
You know who I'm talking about -- the type of girl who, via the power of her tight body, sweet baby face, deceptively small, innocent voice, and a crate full of crazy, can get even a tough bodybuilder from the Bronx by the balls.
Anyhoo, as Pauly D would say, let's "get down to da bidness."
6. "Through the scuffle Snooks gets hit in the face again. Poor girl. She needs to take some karate classes or something. She needs self-defense. Somebody gotta teach her how to fight, or duck." - Pauly D
5. "I was pretty excited for Alex to come back, you know? But she rolls up with two giant bodyguards, and one of them was the same grenade that was here last time." - The Situation
4. "He fucking said your feets are like fucking Fred Flinstone. Fuck you, you fucking bastard." - Sammi
3. "This one girl starts like charging me like a fucking hippo." - Snooki (referring to Grenade Launcher -- not to be confused with Grenade; see below)
2. "He's ready to motorboat!" - Vinny (referring to Ronnie, temporarily done with Sammi)
1. "Come at me bro." - Ronnie (to belligerent drunk taunting him)
"You gonna be able to get your stuff out by tonight?" - Danny the Boss (to Vinny)
"When we're out on the battlefield, I'm like the first strike. You know, it's like they send me out first. Like the Navy SEALS." - The Situation
"I don't mind hooking Vinny up with my sister because, you know what? The kid's harmless. And Vinny knows that I'm pretty much the man of the house, and not to push it too far, or I'm gonna, you know, ah, throw him in my trunk." - The Situation
"Stay in your own room tonight." - The Situation (to Vinny)
"She looked like Mike with a wig on. I was a little bit freaked out." - Vinny (referring to The Situation's sister)
"I hate guys. I'm turning lesbian." - Snooki
"Unbelievable, huh Snooks? So hard to find a good man these days. That's why I date women." - Pauly D
"Ronnie's in pure creep mode. I'm like, hell yeah, so now we can go have some fucking fun!" - Pauly D (as they set out to go to the club)
"He's back, but he's not really back." - Pauly D (when they make it to the club, and Ronnie decides to go back to Sammi)
"There's fucking three crazy girls in the front right now. Three crazy girls. There's one, like, huge grenade launcher. There's one grenade. And there's one cute one." - The Situation
"The fat one's gotta go." - The Situation (to Snooki, when she asks him which girls he'd like her to kick out)
"Pick 'em up!" - Ronnie (referring to Grenade, Grenade's hot friend, and Grenade Launcher when garbage truck rolls up)
"Yo, your ride's here!" - Vinny (to Grenade, Grenade's hot friend, and Grenade Launcher when garbage truck rolls up)
"I felt bad about Snickers getting hit by a couple of linebackers. I didn't... necessarily want to bring home, any, sort of, zoo creatures, whatsoever. I mean, these broads probably just smelled the food at the house." - The Situation
"I don't want my mom to see my messy room. She'll kill me." - Vinny
"Vinny's family walks through the door. There's one, there comes the mom, there comes a sister, comes an aunt, a cousin, another cousin, then a little cousin, then another little cousin..." - Pauly D
"Vinny, here's your undershirts." - Vinny's Mom
"Apparently I caused this which is bullshit, because I didn't." - Sammi (after she helped cause the fight)
Lifetime Achievement Award
An indulgence perhaps, but what the hell, I'm going to award it this week to Vinny. He wins not so much for his moderately impressive collection of quoteables (which are dispersed here throughout), but for zealously seizing his relevance back by hooking up with his boss's date, macking on The Situation's sister, and inviting his Mom over to cook and do his laundry.
Pythagoras Award in Profundity
Possibly the obvious choice for best quote overall, as it is sure to be the line that ends up on a bumper sticker. But I'm giving the Situation a rest this week. I'm not sure I can convey the weight of this maxim adequately via my own humble commentary -- it is best appreciated in context. Suffice it to say, Vinny agrees with my decision.
"This kids are robots. Gym, tanning, laundry. Every day since I got here. That's what they do every morning. Gym tanning laundry." - Vinny
Amnesty International Award for Compassion
"I'm like wait, he pushed you? And she's like, yeah, like I'm done with this shit, like you don't push a girl. And I understand where she's coming from, because I just got hit in the face by a guy." - Snooki
Meryl Streep Award for Best Performance in a Dramatic Series (this week's new award)
Best Exchange Award
A couple of great ones:
Best Exchange, Third place
Vinny: "Melissa called."
Situation: "My sister?"
Vinny: "Yeah. I was talking to her for 45 minutes."
Vinny: "She called, and, she's gonna try to come to Headliners, but, call her back -- you have to call her back now and see what she says."
Situation: "Look at this little canny smile he's got. He's gonna meet my sister... he realizes how pretty I am and he wants to see my sister."
Best Exchange, Second place
Pauly D: "You guys look alike though."
Sit's Sister: "Really?"
Vinny: "Yeah, a little bit." (trailing off)
Situation: "I told you she was pretty."
Ronnie: "She's Mike without a six-pack!"
[all laugh except Vinny, who smiles weakly]
Best Exchange, First place
First place goes to Snooki and her less-than-reliable friend with benefits, Mike.
Mike: "You fucking told me to go!"
Snooki: "That was a test you jerkoff."
Best Guest Quote Award
"I'll rock your world!" - The Grenade (to Snooki)
The WTF Award
I have entertained creating this award so many times and passed because it seemed like too much of a catch-all. I mean, what isn't said on this show that makes a sane person say, "What the FUCK???" But sometimes, when there are no other words, it is what it is, and what it is is W...T...F???
"I have the best girl in Seaside, and I don't want to mess this up." - Ronnie
*All photos courtesy of mtv.com.
The Savior Complex
1 month ago