Sunday, January 10, 2010

Best Quotes from MTV's Jersey Shore - Episode 5

Episode 1 quotes
Episode 2 quotes
Episode 3 quotes
Episode 4 quotes
Episode 5 quotes
Episode 6 quotes
Episode 7 quotes
Episode 8 quotes
Episode 9 quotes

The show is definitely getting scrappy lately, and in Episode 5 it's JWoww entering the fray. After Snooki sleeps off "The Punch" from the night before, JWoww takes her out for some tanning, day-drinking, and healing chit-chat. The bond of friendship is solidified the following night when JWoww defends Snooki's honor, first drenching and then popping a girl who makes the mistake of calling Snooki fat.

The crew charters a boat and anchors at F Cove among a bunch of other boats and bodies bobbing around on inflatable rafts and tubes. This may mark the first time the gang exposes themselves to real sunlight. Sammi "Sweetheart," accelerating further toward "despicable" with each show, decides she's ready to leave and has Ronnie round everyone up to go.

Chef Sit-yar-dee takes the lead in the kitchen again, coordinating a surf and turf feast for the house that becomes a convenient excuse to fight with Sammi. Pauly takes the lead behind the turntables at Karma nightclub. And Vinny takes the lead with his boss's hot date (oops).

This week we have some new special awards of course, but also a strong countdown, and a particularly noteworthy "Best Exchange."


Best Quotes

6. "Holy shit. I took the boss's girl." - Vinny

5. "I would send her a picture of my dick and pack of bubble gum and say 'Chew on this.'" - Ronnie (when JWoww gets flowers from boyfriend she cheated on)

4. "It never happens to me." Sammi (after Situation gets stood up and remarks "It happens")

3. "My hair didn't even move an inch and I was in and out of the water. My hair is wind proof, water proof, soccor proof, motorcycle proof. I'm not sure if my hair is bulletproof." - Pauly D

2. "I tried to eat. But I couldn't get it in my frickin mouth cause I'm disabled." - Snooki

1. "I'm going back to New York, where I take fucking shots with the owners after I beat bitches up." - JWoww


Honorable Mentions

"He wishes." - Ronnie (when Sammi says his little brother looks just like him) 

"Girls love a DJ, so once they see me behind the wheels of steel over there doing my thing, watch out." - Pauly D

"F Cove is pretty much just, like, this awesome summer boat place." - Sammi

"Our boat is called Furgetabowdit. And right when I saw that I was like, yo, this is our boat." - Snooki

"They'll probably scrape something off the boardwalk." - Ronnie (referring to Pauly and The Situation girl hunting) 

"This kid's a sucka." - Pauly D (after the boyfriend JWoww cheated on (with Pauly D) sends her flowers)

"Everybody's been talking about it. It's my turn to prove, to Jersey Shore, how I get down, like, on the ones and twos." - Pauly D

"She had like a sick body, and I don't mind it up against me. At all." - Vinny 

"I would have tried to uppercut her but, at that point, I had too many bouncers wrapped around me. I just wished for three more seconds I would have... would have done justice." - JWoww


Lifetime Achievement Award

Not as strong as last week's win, but Lifetime must once again go to The Situation.

"There is definitely a numbers game when it comes to girls. Let's say ten girls have slipped you their number within that particular week, there's the possibility that five or six may not answer. Somebody may pick up but they're busy. But probably on three and four they're probably coming over and I'm going to have to make a decision on which group of girls I want to come over for me and my boy Pauly. As long as you keep calling there will be success in your numbers game." - The Situation 

"Holy shit." - The Situation (after using cooking spray over small pan on open flame, creating an impressive fireball)

"You know what? Everybody gets stood up. Everybody gets hung up on, and rejected. I'm not saying I'm not. I'm just saying that nine out of ten times I'm good with it." - The Situation

"You know what? I actually thought there was going to be more going into cooking all this -- it's going to be a feast on the dinner table -- but, ah, the Situation's got it under control." - The Situation 

"Everybody should take each side of my plate and walk it to the garbage." - The Situation (when Sammi complains about him leaving his dirty dish on the counter)

"I'm not touching one dish, because I cooked a crazy meal, and she's got the nerve to tell me to clean my plate. You know what? You are excluded from dinner then. From now on you are EXCLUDED from Surf and Turf Night. You are EXCLUDED from Ravioli Night. You are EXCLUDED from, from... Chicken Cutlet Night." - The Situation

"We were coordinating a feast while you were getting your nail and your hair did today." - The Situation


Famous Last Words Award

"I'm on a boat! Yo Sam, ju-" - Vinny (before falling off boat)


Amnesty International Award for Compassion

A new award. Self-explanatory, and shared this week.

"I think what happened to Snookers brought us a lot closer to Snookers definitely cause now we like kinda feel bad and, she's a real person." - Pauly D 

"I'm a vet tech. Like, I save animals, I don't kill them." - Snooki (when she sees live lobsters getting dropped into boiling water)


Staggering Ambition Award

Another new one. Also self-explanatory.

"Definitely want to look good for Ronnie's parents because this is the first time they're meeting me, like, I want them to think like, wow that's her? She's like really pretty and, whatever." - Sammi


Best Guest Quote

"I coulda been getting my tan on right now." - Ronnie's Mom (annoyed at waiting so long for Sammi to get ready)


Lord Byron Award for Romantic Verse

This week the honor is shared. It takes a special kind of woman to tug on these heart strings hard enough to merit more than the usual one night stand.

"They're cool girls. They're smart and everything but they want to hook up, just as well. But I think it will take a couple of times seeing them to hook up. They're not, like, whores." - Pauly D

"She's actually a pretty girl that I'm attracted to to the point where I'd rather do sweet things for you instead of, you know, just come home and hook up and, it's like a different situation." - The Situation


Best Exchange

Goes to JWoww and Snooki, for their drunken debriefing interview after a bar fight.

JWoww: "She called us fat. What the fuck?"

Snooki: "I'm fat."

JWoww: "No you're not."

Snooki: "I'm about to eat a sausage right now."

JWoww [walking off set]: "Italian... sah-seege?"

Snooki [to camera]: "Fuck you all!"

*All photos courtesy of mtv.com.



4 comments:

Anonymous said...

TRUST ME MTV WONT BE FILMING ANY NEW LONG ISLAND ASSHOLE GUIDO JERSEY SHORE EPISODES IN 2010 THIS SUMMER KNOW IT!- THE COMMUNITY AIN'T GOING TO HAVE IT THIS TIME.

THEY ARE GOING TO BE READY THIS TIME. AND NOT BE CAUGHT OFF GUARD UNTILL IT'S TO LATE TO STOP FILMING IT. LIKE THE LAST TIME. THOSE L.I. OUTSIDE GUIDOS HAVE MADE MORE ENEMYS IN THE COMMUNITY THAN THEY CAN SHAKE A STICK AT. AND THE COMMUNITY IS GETTING READY TO KILL THOSE GUIDO FUCKS THIS TIME IF THEY EVER SHOW THERE FACES BACK THE ON THE JERSEY SHORE AGAIN.

THAT LAME SHOW WAS A ONE SHOT DEAL. 2009 WILL NOT BE REPEATED AGAIN IN 2010. -KNOW IT!

Jim C. said...

Wow.

Anonymous said...

Hey dummy do me a favor....loosen the fuck up huh

Jim C. said...

Is watching and enjoying mindless reality TV about party animals on the Jersey Shore not being loose enough?

Controversy. Awesome.