Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Best Quotes from MTV's Jersey Shore - Episode 4

Episode 1 quotes
Episode 2 quotes
Episode 3 quotes
Episode 4 quotes
Episode 5 quotes
Episode 6 quotes
Episode 7 quotes
Episode 8 quotes
Episode 9 quotes

Episode 4 is easily the most delightful yet, despite respectable competition from the first three installments. This week, Ronnie and Sammi prove they are soul mates, having found in each other their rival for Shore's Biggest Drama Queen (apparently even guys on steroids have a tender side). Ronnie and the Situation trade a few light jabs while sitting in their respective barber’s chairs. Vinny, likable and charismatic generally, continues to be an unsavory source of sanity in this Dionysian dreamworld, and thus remains banished from the Jersey Shore spotlight.

The Situation and Pauly D run a double ditch-and-switch, followed by an historically unprecedented reverse double ditch-and-switch, but ultimately fail to close the deal.

And of course, the plush and occasionally adorable Snookie tragically discovers the one man on earth who is willing to earn his 15 seconds of fame by sucker-punching a little girl on a nationally televised reality show.  The country is later encouraged to learn her attacker is a public school teacher.

Given the range of epic performances there are a plethora of Special Awards this week, some old, some new -- so many, in fact, it renders my customary countdown almost arbitrary. But enough preface and apology. Let’s get started, shall we?

Best Quotes

7. “You gotta stay fresh to death.  That’s what I call it.  Fresh outfit, fresh haircut, fresh tan. Just stay fresh.” – Pauly D

6. “Mike would bang a Gatorade bottle at this point.” – Ronnie (referring to the Situation)

5. “Oh my god.  I’m going outside.” – Vinny (in the barbershop, after listening to Ronnie and The Situation debate The Situation’s prowess for several minutes)

4. “He’s a really good guy.  Like that’s the guy I need in my life.  I think his name is Ron.” – Nicole, aka "Snookie"

3. “I’m sucking up my pride right now, and apologizing.” – Jenni, aka "JWoww"

2. “Yes, I had sex.  Like, hello.” – Sammi "Sweetheart"

1. “If you’re not hitting the gym for like an hour or so then, you know, you may have a problem.  Okay?  Because I’m at the gym for like an hour AND A HALF.  You know?  I’m working on my fitness.” – Mike, "The Situation"

Lord Byron Award for Romantic Verse

No surprise this goes to the defending champion.

“You really have to like catch my eye and be like really, you know what I mean, something special for me to be like, like I’m feeling you.” – Ronnie

“Yeah, we smooshed.” – Ronnie (referring to first act of lovemaking with Sammi)

“I was ready to put you in the equation.  Like, YOU... in the equation.” – Ronnie (loses something without the tears)

Pythagoras Award in Profundity

The next three awards go to Snookie, beginning with this newly established (perhaps long overdue) prize for the following revelation.

“I’m like, growing.” – Snookie

Jersey Pride Award

Though none of the cast members are Jersey natives, this prize recognizes cultural observations that make those of us who are natives of the Garden State swell with pride.

“It’s the Jersey Shore.”  - Snookie (responding to her mother after she comments that the water looks dirty)

Famous Last Words Award

Another first, and probably not the last.

“Get your ugly ass out of our faces.” – Snookie (before getting punched)

Best Exchange Award

Short but sweet, for the understanding reached between the two lovebirds at the end of their first major argument.

Ronni: “You’re fucking disgusting.”

Sammi: “YOU'RE fucking disgusting.”

*Lifetime Achievement Award*

It was inevitable that The Situation would take this one home solo eventually (he shared the honor with Snookie last week).  It might be said that withholding the honor this long was comparable to the Academy reserving Peter Jackson's Oscar for his last installment of Lord of the Rings.

But we can't award the Situation without also simultaneously recognizing Pauly D for his essential supporting role.  The Dynamic Duo raised the bar in so many ways -- reaching new heights of effortless egoism, sexism, childlike lust, grammatic license, etc -- that there was a temptation at first to create a bunch of sub-Lifetime awards... that is, before adequately capturing the essence of these two-dozen-or-so snippets proved impossible.  For instance:

Best Tangent Award

Awarded for rehashing the best "story before the story."

“We have both the chicks in the bed.  Me and Mike.  Mike has a chick.  I have a chick.  We’re in bed.  We’re just fooling around, whatever.  I couldn’t have sex my girl—she had her period.  I go to take her pants off, she wouldn’t let me.  No big deal.  And then…” – Pauly D

Rapid Fire Award

Created to recognize The Situation for producing three gems in a span of just under 10 seconds (yes I timed it). The moment occurs during one instance (of what has already become frequently recurring scenario) of Pauly D and The Situation coaxing a pair of coy women into the upstairs hot tub.

“Do you guys need like any, any, like we’re gonna get towels you need anyth—we’re good, we’re good.” – The Situation (attempting to be accommodating then abandoning attempt mid-sentence)

“I feel you on that.  But really, fuck it." – The Situation (responding to girl’s complaint that she has no bathing suit)

"We’re going in our underwear.  That’s what’s going on right now.”  – The Situation (afterthought to “I feel you… fuck it.”)

Then things just got away from me:

“We were the fucking MAN at Karma.” – Pauly D (referring to himself and The Situation, or possibly to whole house)

“We’re beating up the beat.” – Pauly D

“I was hooking up with my girl.  Pauly’s hooking up with his girl.  And uh, we’re gonna have sex.  So, you know, it’s a situation.” – The Situation

“They were acting kinda stupid.  But we were making the best of the situation.  Like we always do.” – Pauly D (referring to girls' ambivalence about hot tub)

“Chill out, Freckles McGee.” – The Situation (referring to girls' ambivalence about hot tub)

“When I go into the club I have a game plan.  I don’t want to waste my time and take home a girl that just wants to hang out.  I just want to get to the business.  So you line it up, and then you move on.  And then at the end of the night, you see what you end up with.” – Pauly D

"So, the girls are coming with us.  We’re walking with them.  But then we notice these two girls in a convertible.  So we immediately run over to the car.  It’s like a reflex… The other two chicks were pissed.  They turned around and walked back.  We didn’t even care.” – Pauly D

“Well it’s kinda the way I say it.  You know what I’m saying?  Not to give you too much credit, but at the same time I’m attracted to you.” – The Situation (to girl after she questions his choice of modifier when he tells her “You’re kinda cute.”)

“Holy shit.  What the fuck are we gonna do?”  – Pauly D (to Situation, when original girls they ditched suddenly show up at house while they are entertaining the convertible girls upstairs) 

“Tell ‘em to come back in twenty minutes.” – The Situation (responding to Pauly D's question) 

“Shhhhh.  Be quiet little Italian girl.” – The Situation

“You girls are cuter.  I am feeling you right now, and I’m about to kick out the girls upstairs.” – The Situation (to original girls they abandoned, referring to convertible girls they were abandoned for)

“I might have to give her a little attention in the future, but, I don’t know.  Maybe not.” – The Situation

“Basically, one of these girls was, uh, definitely more cuter than the other, and it happened to be, uh, my girl. And Pauly D was with the grenade.” – The Situation

“My girl was fucking busted, so I’m like just trying to go with the flow.” – Pauly D

“I was taking heavy fire.” – The Situation (after Pauly D abandons him)

“That girl was a bomb.  And Pauly didn’t know the code to decipher the bomb.  That’s pretty much what happened right there.” – The Situation

“Calm down sweetheart.  Stop hating." – The Situation (to Grenade, from bed where he lays naked with Friend of Grenade)

“You wanna walk this girl downstairs?” – The Situation (to Friend of Grenade, referring to Grenade, who stands a few feet away)

How could an award possibly do all that justice?

Best Guest Quote

I am, however, delighted to award the first Best Guest Quote to the Grenade, who closes out this week's collection.

“I would so do your dishes but I’m not even trying to do that now.” – The Grenade (pondering dishes in sink while The Situation hits on Friend of Grenade)

*All photos courtesy of

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