Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Best Quotes from MTV's Jersey Shore - Episode 3

Episode 1 quotes
Episode 2 quotes
Episode 3 quotes
Episode 4 quotes
Episode 5 quotes
Episode 6 quotes
Episode 7 quotes
Episode 8 quotes
Episode 9 quotes

Lose the dead wood!

In Episode 3 the two cast members in relationships break up with their boyfriends, one of whom completely self-destructs.

Visiting friends Alana and Elena are no help to Angelina (yes you are pronouncing those three names correctly) as she feigns illness, skips work, tells off her boss (who she’s only met twice) from behind a bathroom door, and leaves the show entirely.

Meanwhile Sammi and Ronnie continue to flaunt their romance in front of The very wounded Situation -- who doesn’t care, at all, but also does -- only to suffer a communication breakdown at a nightclub. And the boys learn a thing or two about operating a propane grill.

Mining for quotes has become far more challenging. While many stand alone, an increasing number require some context. It’s hard to determine how big a piece I can extract before it loses its potency. It’s a fine line to walk, but I feel I am honing my craft.

The countdown is short this week, due to Vinny’s limited role in the episode plus the multiple Achievement Awards going out.

Top quotes

5. “I’ll break it down dancing. I love the beats. I got my creepy patent move.” Ronnie

4. “Tommy said that if I did cheat on him he’d leave me. So I just have to figure out…” [pause] “how to approach this.”Jenni, “JWOWW”

3. “Honestly, like, I’m sick. When you’re sick, like, honestly, like.” – Angelina, “Jolie” (when asked why she didn’t get someone to cover her shift at work)

2. “Snookers is funny. She likes her pickles.” – Pauly D

And the Best Single Quote Award goes to:

1. “Next thing you know, the grill is legit burnt. Smoke. Like, flames.” – Sammi “Sweetheart”

Honorable Mentions

“She just doesn’t want to feel like a trash bag because she has a boyfriend and she kissed me with her tongue.” – Pauly D (referring to JWOWW, after she denies any memory of making out with him)

“I’m gonna fucking knock a bitch up.” – Sammi 

“I’ll make everyone hate each other by the end of the night.” – JWOWW

“The fact that JWOWW broke up with her boyfriend, it just means she’ll feel less guilty now when she hooks up with me.” – Pauly D

“I guess I’m single. I don’t know. If I am, we got a problem on our hands.” – JWOWW

“Angelina wanted us to like beg her to stay. But I don’t think anybody’s gonna do that.” – Pauly D

“I met JWOWW’s boyfriend. Seems like a cool guy. But if JWOWW was my girl, I would break up with her in a second. Your girl shouldn’t be out there dancing like that, lifting up her skirt. And I already made out with her so…” [pause] “I think he’s kind of a sucker if you ask me.” – Pauly D

Lifetime Achievement Award

As you can see from his strong showing in the Honorable Mentions, Pauly D nearly scooped up the Lifetime Achievement Award again.  Alas, he was edged out by Mike, “The Situation,” and Nicole, aka “Snookie,” who share the honor this week.

“Look at these PANCAKES, what’s UP! –The Situation

“Pickles is my thing, like, and the boys always stare at me, like, if I’m eating pickles." – Snookie

“Me and Mike have hooked up before. That’s why when I saw him at Headliners I was like, oh shit, I’m gonna bring him home and I’m gonna get my fix.” – Snookie (referring to surprise encounter with an old friend)

“I wouldn’t be a dick if you weren’t a little bitch.” – The Situation (to Angelina)

“Bless all the roomies that are still here.” – Snookie (saying grace)

“Angelina was like a half-assed firecracker.” – The Situation

“That’s what I’m talking about. People get shocked when they see something like that.” – The Situation (after showing abs to Snookie’s friend Ryder)

“Snookie’s friend Ryder I thought was kinda cute. You know, she wasn’t ugly, she was thin and petite, and I kinda like that.” – The Situation

“Mike can be a nice guy, like, he shows he good side, then he shows off his jerkoff side. And that’s what I like, a good guy and a jerkoff. It’s all in the same.” – Snookie (referring to The Situation)

“Making out was fun. If one thing leads to another, I’m not gonna tell him to get off.” – Snookie (referring to The Situation)

“Ah heh. Ah heh heh. WOW The hot tub with Snookie and Ryder was very very entertaining. Um… it actually got pretty wild at certain points throughout that, uh, the, the…" [losing composure] "Heh heh heh – The Situation

“Fuck my fucking asshole right now.” – Snookie (to The Situation, after he tells her to start doing dishes)

Congratulations to Snookie and The Situation.

Special Awards

We also have some special accolades this week, first of which is The Lord Byron Award for Romantic Verse, which goes to Ronnie, for his honey-drip lyrics of affection regarding fellow cast member Sammi.

“Honestly I thought the shore house was the best thing to happen to me. But YOU are. You are.” – Ronnie (to Sammi)

“You’re mad cool. I like you. I don’t like most girls that I meet.” – Ronnie (to Sammi)

“At first I was like I’m not gonna shit where I sleep. But for her, I’ll roll around in my shit all day, to be honest with you.” – Ronnie (referring to Sammi)

We must also recognize a brilliant tag-team performance by creating the Best Dialogue Exchange Award, which goes to The Situation and Pauly D for their joint reaction to the gas grill going up in flames (as a result of charcoal they placed inside).

Situation: Yeah, this is a problem right now. We could possibly, blow up right now? It’s… it’s burning the… it’s burning the whole thing! Pauly take care of it before we blow the fuck up!

Pauly D: I’m gonna use this thing. (referring to fire extinguisher)

After dousing the grill with the fire extinguisher, Pauly D and The Situation ponder the retreating flames, approaching the grill cautiously.

Pauly D: You want me to shoot that? Wait, wait, wait it’s working the way it’s supposed to work.

The Situation: Yeah, that’s the way it’s supposed to work. I think we might be able to still cook on that.

Pauly D: For real?

The Situation: For real.

*All photos courtesy of mtv.com.

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