The Results Are In: Blue Ink Defeats Black Ink, 31-24

Last month I shared my unsettling suspicion that, against all traces of good taste and common sense, the majority of the country might prefer black pens to blue pens. In an effort to confirm or disconfirm this suspicion, I encouraged you all to participate in a poll. I wish to offer my deep thanks to you for providing the first real scientific data on this important issue.

The race between Blue and Black proceeded not unlike our recent presidential election. Things stayed neck and neck for the first week, and sometime into the second week Black even managed to eke out a slight lead --- but after some comment concerning the “fundamentals of the economy” Blue pulled ahead a comfortable distance, maintaining his lead until the polls closed.

My fears, it turned out, were completely unfounded, and I apologize for my lack of faith. I suppose, paranoia aside, I knew deep in my heart of hearts that you would not let me down, and would elevate blue pens to their proper status.

Whatever I may or may not have expected deep down, however, this study produced myriad additional findings that were, quite frankly, a complete surprise. A study this comprehensive was bound to produce a few arbitrary correlations, but I don't think anyone could have predicted how intricately ink preference seems to be woven into the fabric of the human condition. Below are just some of the associations that emerged.

Those who prefer blue pens:

eat more broccoli
are more likely to live on a cul-de-sac
prefer oak wood over maple
are slightly taller
watch more news programming and less reality television
get married more often and stay married longer
have slightly higher incomes
give more to charity
exercise more often
have more hobbies
report a higher quality of life
have a higher life expectancy
have read more books in the past year
are more likely to own a hybrid
use more public transportation
are more likely to agree with the statement: "I have a responsibility toward my fellow man.”
are more likely to agree with the statement: "Do unto others as you'd have done unto you."
are more likely to have a graduate degree
are more likely to be CPR-certified


Those who prefer black pens:

are more likely to have brown eyes
prefer Blu-Ray to HD DVD
are more likely to be divorced
are more likely to get divorced
have higher cholesterol
are more likely to have had a heart attack
are more overweight
are more likely to be addicted to cocaine, to heroin, and to PCP
are more likely to develop brain tumors
are more likely to have brain tumors
report higher IQ's
are more likely to have a family history of schizophrenia
have lower IQ's
are more depressed
have made more suicide attempts
(men) have lower sperm counts
(women) have more irregular cycles
have partners (both women and men) who report lower satisfaction with sex life
have more children with physical defects
raise more violent children
are more likely to be incarcerated or on parole
are more likely to discriminate against minorities
participate in more dog fights
are more likely to engage in prostitution
are more likely to solicit the services of a prostitute
own a greater number of illegally purchased firearms
are more likely to agree with the statement: "No means yes."
are more likely to agree with the statement: "It's not illegal if you don't get caught.”
are more likely to agree with the statement: “I secretly hate myself.”
consume more natural resources
produce more carbon emissions
kill more puppies
bite their toenails

I'm in the process of applying for federal grant funding to support a study that will attempt to replicate these findings with a larger subject group, and perhaps identify additional correlations. I'll keep you posted.