Friday, December 19, 2008

The Results Are In: Blue Ink Defeats Black Ink, 31-24

Last month I shared my unsettling suspicion that, against all traces of good taste and common sense, the majority of the country might prefer black pens to blue pens. In an effort to confirm or disconfirm this suspicion, I encouraged you all to participate in a poll. I wish to offer my deep thanks to you for providing the first real scientific data on this important issue.

The race between Blue and Black proceeded not unlike our recent presidential election. Things stayed neck and neck for the first week, and sometime into the second week Black even managed to eke out a slight lead. But after an ill-advised comment from Black concerning the “fundamentals of the economy” being sound, Blue pulled ahead by a comfortable margin and maintained that lead until polls closed.

My fears, it turned out, were completely unfounded. I apologize for my lack of faith.

This study also produced myriad additional findings that were rather unexpected. A project this comprehensive was bound to produce a few random or arbitrary correlations, but I don't think anyone could have predicted how intricately ink preference seems to be woven into the fabric of the human condition. Below are just some of the associations that emerged.

Those who prefer blue pens:

eat more broccoli
are slightly taller

exercise more often
have more hobbies

more likely to be married
stay married longer

have higher incomes
give more to charity

watch more news programming and less reality television

have read more books in the past year

report a higher quality of life
have a higher life expectancy

Those who prefer blue pens are also more likely:

to live on a cul-de-sac
to own a hybrid
to be CPR-certified
to agree with the statement: "I have a responsibility toward my fellow man.”
to have a graduate degree

Those who prefer black pens:

prefer Blu-Ray to HD
have higher cholesterol
are more overweight
own a greater number of firearms
have lower IQ's
(men) have lower sperm counts
(women) have more irregular cycles
(both women and men) have partners who report lower satisfaction with sex life
raise children who are more violent
consume more natural resources and produce more carbon emissions
kill more puppies

Those who prefer black pens are also more likely:

to have brown eyes
to have or develop brain tumors
to enjoy dog fighting
to be addicted to cocaine, heroin, and PCP

to be incarcerated or on parole
to engage in prostitution or solicit the services of a prostitute
to discriminate against minorities
are more likely to agree with the statement: "No means yes."
are more likely to agree with the statement: “I secretly hate myself.”
to bite their toenails

I'm in the process of applying for federal grant funding to support a study that will attempt to replicate these findings with a larger subject group, and perhaps identify additional correlations. I'll keep you posted.


Amanda said...

Want to know something funny? I voted blue and I only said "No" to 3 of your "findings"

cls79 said...

Hey! Black got screwed -- I would have voted black! RECOUNT!

Monica said...

oh yeah?.. oh yeah????????
.... i got nothing... black rules, buddy.

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Ha! Blue RULES!

I'm slightly taller. I'm married. I'm likely to stay married. I don't know about the broccoli, but I probably eat more broccoli than the black-yeilding or is it weilding? ... yeilding ... pen holders ... I JUST gave to charity this morning -- an adopt-a-family.

I'm NOT addicted to cocaine or heroin, I haven't killed puppies, but have considered it (maybe that's when I used a black pen in the past?

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Oh yeah. And I HATE YOU for getting me addicted to FACEBOOK.


; )

Anonymous said...

Wish I'd come across this at the time. I have an unsettling suspicion that "against all traces of good taste and common sense, the majority of" the world might prefer ballpoints, gel pens, rollerballs and Sharpies to *real* pens. :)