Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The Magical Fairy Penguin Princess

[In the 10-18 post Diana Brown comments: "In your spare time, can you write me a story about a magical fairy penguin princess?"

Let it be known forthwith that Jim Cooney writes for the people.]

One morning a handsome young Bostonian was walking down Commonwealth Avenue when he spotted a penguin. For the most part, it appeared similar to any other penguin he'd ever seen, except that this penguin had a sparkling little tiara on its head—also it was waddling pedestrian-like down Commonwealth Avenue.

The young man expected the penguin to dart away at any moment, but no, it kept on its path, just as he kept to his. To his delight the penguin stopped only when he did, when they were no less than two feet apart. It looked up at him curiously.

"Hello there, penguin," he smiled. "Did you escape from the aquarium?"

The penguin first looked at him dubiously, like he was an idiot.  Then, to his astonishment, the penguin shook its head no.

"Did you just shake your head 'no' to me?" he asked.

Slowly now—like he was a real, super-duper idiot—the penguin nodded its head, yes.

"What kind of penguin are you?" the young man asked, disbelieving.

"I'm a Magical Fairy Penguin Princess," the penguin said—or rather, the penguin thought and the man heard. Because the penguin was magical, it did not need to speak in order to communicate.

The man bent his pinky finger, stuck it in his ear and rattled it around to make sure he wasn't just hearing things the way schizophrenics hear things but that he was, in fact, hearing the thoughts of a penguin.

Then in a moment of spontaneous but lethally misguided irony, the man said, "Aren't all fairies magical? Kinda redundant to call yourself a Magical Fairy Penguin Princess, isn't it?"

The penguin clapped its flippers together (mostly for effect, as this gesture was not necessary to generate penguin magic), and the young man was consumed by a plume of pink smoke.  The smoke cleared, revealing that the young man had been transformed into a VHS cassette player.

The penguin pondered the VHS cassette player, which sat idly on the sidewalk, the plug and cord trailing behind it like a withered garter snake. The penguin waddled up toward it. It tried to hop on top, didn't quite make it, then hopped again, scrambled and flapped, finally catching its balance atop the flat, boxy device.

It looked down, raising its wing-flippers in the air. "What'd you say?" the penguin thought, thinking the thought as loudly as it could toward the obsolete gadget below its stumpy orange feet.  "What'd you say, bitch?"

The young man did not respond, because he was now a VHS cassette player.

"Yeah, that's what I thought!" thought the penguin.

And with that the Magical Fairy Penguin Princess hopped down from the cassette player to the sidewalk, shook itself off (using both flippers to keep the tiara steady upon its head), then resumed its waddling journey down Commonwealth Avenue.

As far as we know that's the last time anybody ever saw the Magical Fairy Penguin Princess.


J. Rosemary Moss said...


Ok, I have an affinity for penguins (an on-line personality test assures me of this.) But in light of this story, if I see a tiara-wearing penguin waddling down the know what? I'm going to take off in the other direction ;)


diana brown said...

OH MY GOD :) I can't believe you wrote a story for me on your BLOG!!!!!!!!!! I feel like a celebrity or something!!! You made my entire night. I sent the link to everyone I know and told them to check you out :) Thanks!! You are my new favorite author.

Amanda said...

So now you're doing requests can I have one? Let's see, maybe about a coastal dwelling haggis? LOL!! Now I know you have a seriously warped sense of humour - a VHS cassette? Where did that come from?!

Will let you know when I have read the whole excerpt.

lzulu229 said...

Wow Jim...I love it! :)


Merc said...


That was hilarious. :D

Next will you write a story about the atomic zombie canary duchess?